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My 2014 Bills schedule piece is better than yours

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I’ve done this the last two seasons and I challenge anyone to have a better schedule piece than this! I got stats, memories, and historically meaningless facts for your  reading pleasure.
Keep in mind when I went down memory lane for some of these opponents, I had to change them up cause some of the opponents repeated themselves from years past. So, when you don’t see Kelly diving in the end zone against Miami in 1989 as a favorite moment, realize I put that moment in my 2012 schedule piece.
Sunday, Sept. 7 at Chicago Bears 1:00 p.m
  • Stat #1: The last time the Bills won on the road at an NFC North team was in 2002 against Minnesota (0-5 over that time).
  • Stat #2: In nine games against Jim Schwartz’s Detroit teams, Cutler has passed for 2,379 yards (Most against any team) , 15TDs (2nd most against any team) and 5INTs.
  • Bills player stat: In his only game against Chicago, Stevie Johnson had 11 catches (Career high) for 145 yards (2nd most in a game).
  • Favorite Bears/Bills memory: Gotta go with the 1991 battle of the undefeated teams. Bills and Bears were both 4-0 heading into this game. Bills were trailing 9-0 at halftime and then bombarded the Bears with 35 2nd half points for a 35-20 win. I’ll always remember James Lofton catching a Bomb and walking backwards into the endzone.
  • Least favorite Bears/Bills memory: Gotta be the 2006 game. Went to McFaddens for this one and the Bills got destroyed by like 30 points. This was when Rex Grossman was having his 15 minutes of fame and the Bears made it to the SB that season. I couldn’t even drink because the game was so wretched.
Sunday, Sept. 14 MIAMI DOLPHINS 1:00 p.m.
  • Stat #1: The Bills have won two straight games against Miami, which is  longest winning streak against them since 2007. Woof.
  • Stat #2: The Bills have played Miami only once in a September home game since 1993.
  • Bills Player stat: In 9 games against Miami, Fred Jackson has 485 yards rushing (2nd most against any team).
  • A Favorite Dolphins/Bills memory: I’m going with the 1991 MNF game where the Bills destroyed them 41-27 (Wasn’t as close as score indicated). Cornelius Bennett had the hat trick on one play with the sack, strip, fumble recover, and TD. Wait, that’s like 4 tricks. Whatever. I also remember Thurman scoring a TD and he spiked the football with the rage of a Nolan Ryan fast ball on the Dolphins logo on the wall behind the end zone.
  • A least favorite Dolphins/Bills memory: The Sunday night game in 2003. The Bills were 2-0 and everyone thought they were going to the Super Bowl. Then, Travis Henry throw an INT in the back of the end zone, Drew Bledsoe was sacked 20 times, and we lost 17-7. Yeah..Hope was pretty much out of the window after that.
Sunday, Sept. 21 SAN DIEGO CHARGERS 1:00 p.m
  • Stat #1: The Chargers own a 22-12 record against the Bills all-time.
  • Stat #2: In four games against the Bills, Philip Rivers has 6TDs and just 1 INT.
  • Bills player stat: Brian Moorman has averaged 40.96 yards a punt against San Diego (The 4th lowest yards per punt average)
  • A favorite Chargers/Bills memory: 2008 game. The Bills beat a Chargers team that was a year removed from the AFC Championship game and improved their record to 5-1. Playoffs!!!
  • A least favorite Chargers/Bills memory: See above…Oh, and fuck you for giving us false hope.
Sunday, Sept. 28 at Houston Texans 1:00 p.m.
  • Stat #1: If Ryan Fitzpatrick is the starter, it would be the first time the Bills played against their ex-starting QB in a start since Doug Flutie in 2001. 
  • Stat #2: Mario Williams has one sack against his former team.
  • Bills player stat: Scott Chandler has averaged 17 yards a catch against the Texans (2nd best for his career), albeit, it is only based on 3 catches. 
  • A favorite Texans/Bills memory: I’m going with the 31-24 Bills victory in 2002. Bledsoe was at his apex with the Bills and the offense was clicking. Peerless Price and Travis Henry both went over the century mark in receiving and rushing for this game.
  • A least favorite Texans/Bills memory: 2009…Bills lost, 31-10. I just remember the offense being awful and the only TD came with an end around to Terrell Owens. Fitz started and he sucked. Also, Ryan F’N Moats had 3TDs and like 130 yards rushing. Yeah, that game sucked. Go Chris Kelsay and an Aaron Schobel led defense!!
Sunday, Oct. 5 at Detroit Lions *1:00 p.m.
  • Stat #1: The last time the Bills hired a coordinator after being fired the previous season as a head coach was in 1995. Wade Phillips become our defensive coordinator after getting the ax in Denver. 
  • Stat #2: Since this was supposed to be our Thanksgiving Day game (NOT!), the Bills haven’t played on turkey day since 1994. Yet, Miami, New England and the Jets have played a combined 8 times on Thanksgiving since we lost to the Lions in 1994.
  • Bills player stat: Fred Jackson’s 3rd best rushing game as a pro came against the Lions in 2010 (133 yards).
  • A favorite Lions/Bills memory: Meh. I guess we will go with the 1997 game. I just remember Bruce Smith got a safety on Barry Sanders. Also, NFL Films had Marv Levy Mic’d for that game. We won by like a TD. 
  • A least favorite Lion/Bills memory: Season finale of the 1991 season, which they lost in OT, 17-14. Yes, the Bills clinched homefield/division and decided to rest their starters. Two reasons why this sucked: 1) They benched Thurman, who probably would have won the rushing title if he started. 2) If they won, the Bills would have had clinched the best record in club history with 14 wins. Yeah, I know. They wanted to rest their starters…Blah, blah, blah. I WANTED MEANINGLESS CLUB RECORDS!!
Sunday, Oct. 12 NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS *1:00 p.m.
  • Stat #1: The Bills have lost 5 straight games against New England.
  • Stat #2: Tom Brady has 54 career TDs against the Bills (The most against any team. Hell, it may be the most ever!) 
  • Bills player stat: CJ Spiller has 26 catches for 3TDs against NE (Most receiving TDs against any team)
  • A favorite Pats/Bills memory: The 1994 game. Bills won in a shootout, 35-31. Jim Kelly had 4 1st half TDs and Mike Lodish scored a defensive TD.
  • A least favorite Pats/Bills memory: Oh, God. Fucken pick any between 2001-2013. I guess we will go with the stupid Teddy Bruschi game on Sunday night. Not only did the Bills blow an 11-point 4th quarter lead, but the ESPN announcers made it out like Bruschi was Jesus Christ coming back from the dead after having a heart attack. Yeah, I know…I’m going to hell with Donald Trump for what I just wrote. 
Sunday, Oct. 19 MINNESOTA VIKINGS *1:00 p.m.
  • Stat #1: The Bills haven’t lost at Ralph Wilson stadium against an NFC North team since 1997 against the Vikings. They are 8-0 since then. 
  • Stat #2: Adrian Peterson has played only once against the Bills and had 117 yards rushing.
  • Schwartz stat: Detroit held a 4-6 against the Vikings under Schwartz. Also, AP has gone over 100 yards rushing in 6 out of the 8 games he played against Schwartz.
  • Bills player stat: In two games against the Vikings, Mike Williams has 7 catches for 64 yards and a TD.
  • A favorite Vikings/Bills memory: Gotta go with the 2002 game. That was seriously the best game of the 2000s in terms of entertainment value. The final score was like 45-39 or something crazy. Bledsoe broke a club record for passing yards in a game and the offense looked like a juggernaut. I remember Ron Edwards scored a TD on a fumble recovery and Mike Hollis boinking a 54-yard FG off the crossbar and through the uprights to send the game to OT.
  • A least favorite Vikings/Bills memory: The 1994 game. The Bills were battling for their playoff lives and trying to do the “drive for five” with getting back to the SB. The Bills lost, 21-17. I distinctly remembering Jim Kelly getting hurt at the end of the game and would be out for the rest of the season. The Bills would lose their next two games and miss the playoffs for the first time in 6 years. 
Sunday, Oct. 26 at New York Jets *1:00 p.m.
  • Stat #1: I will be going to this game with Dubs, The stoner Hart brothers and probably Dubs’ creepy Twitter fan club. I will be getting wasted and fighting someone. I say this every year for this game (3rd time going) and no Jets fan has dared to take the challenge.
  • Stat #2: The Bills haven’t won in NYC since 2009.
  • Bills player stat: Kyle Williams has five sacks and 23 tackles against the Jets all-time (His most against any team).
  • A favorite Jets/Bills memory: Since the Bills will never be on MNF ever again, let’s go with their primetime tilt from 1991. Thurman Thomas set a career high in rushing with 214 yards on just 18 carries!!  That’s like 12 yards a carry. He probably would have broken the MNF record if they didn’t rest him in the 4th quarter because the Bills were so far out in front.  Oh, and the Bills won 30-7. 
  • A least favorite Jets/Bills memory: Let’s go with the 2011 game where Stevie Johnson dropped a ball and got flagged for shooting himself. It was just the aftermath where all the white 50-year-old lamestreamers couldn’t let go of Stevie’s “Antics”. Fuck old, white lamestreamers!
 Sunday, Nov. 9 KANSAS CITY CHIEFS *1:00 p.m.
  • Stat #1: This will be the 7th year in a row the Bills have faced the Chiefs. Has to be a record against a non-division team, right?
  • Stat #2: Bills QBs have 13TDs (11 throwing and two rushing) in those previous six games against the Chiefs.
  • Bills player stat: Leodis McKelvin has 2TDs against the Chiefs (A INT return and a Kickoff return).
  • A favorite Chiefs/Bills memory: 1996 season finale. Winner gets in the playoffs, while the loser goes home. The Bills won, 20-9. I remember Kelly connected with the immortal, Tony Cline, for a TD. Also, the Chiefs did something really stupid that cost them. It was like a Leon Lett/Don Beebe type plan. I forgot though. 
  • A least favorite Chiefs/Bills memory: Last year’s game was a major kick in the nuts. The Bills lost by 10 points, yet, they had like 220 yards more than the Chiefs. Also, Jeff Tuel sucks. 

Thursday, Nov. 13 at Miami Dolphins 8:25 p.m.

  • Stat #1: Since 1988, the Bills have played Miami 9 times in primetime. The Bills are 7-2 in those games.
  • Stat #2: Since the last Kelly/Marino game in 1996, Miami and Buffalo have combined to start 29 different QBs.
  • Bills player stat: Mario Williams has 8.5 sacks against Miami for his career (His 2nd most against any team).
  • Another favorite Dolphins/Bills memory: Let’s stick with the primetime theme and go with Bills/Dolphins in 1999. This was actually the last time the Bills won a MNF game. I remember John Holecek drilled Marino who fumbled the football and Gabe Northern scooped it up to return it for like a 60-yard TD.
  • Another least favorite Dolphins/Bills memory: We will go primetime yet again with a 16-14 loss in 1996. This was the Bills 3rd straight loss, which sunk their record to 9-6. Miami had the ball for like 41 minutes and I do remember Kelly connecting to Reed for like a 67-yard bomb for a TD. It ended up being the last time Kelly/Reed connected for a TD.

Sunday, Nov. 23 NEW YORK JETS *1:00 p.m.

  • Stat #1: The Bills have a 56-51 record against the Jets all-time, which is the 2nd most games above .500 they have against any NFL team.
  • Stat #2: The Bills still have more HOFs, division titles, playoff appearances and Super appearances than the Jets. Yeah…FUCK YOU JETS FANS AND YOUR FUCKEN 1 SUPER BOWL FROM 6 DECADES AGO!
  • Bills player stat: Kiko Alonso had 22 tackles and an interception against the Jets last season.
  • Another favorite Bills/Jets memory: I remember a game where Quincy Carter played and he was just awful. Also, Willis McGahee seemed to always rip to shreds the Jets’ Defense. Yeah, I know…He hates our women, but he did put a smile on my face during those games, which, sadly, the women of Buffalo couldn’t do for him.
  • Another least favorite Jets/Bills memory: The home opener in 1994. That season just fricken sucked as it was the end of the line for the Super Bowl teams. The Bills got crushed, 23-3. This was pretty shocking as the Bills went 11-1 in their previous 12 games against NY. I also remember hating Jerry Crafts (he was just awful in this game) and missing Howard Ballard.

Sunday, Nov. 30 CLEVELAND BROWNS *1:00 p.m.

  • Stat #1: Meet the team with the 3rd longest playoff drought in the NFL.
  • Stat #2: Since 2004, the Bills and Browns have met 7 times and there have been 10 different starting QBs and 8 different head coaches during those games. Yeah…Let’s just burn Lake Erie again and have Cleveland/Buffalo fans walk into it while soaking in oil and urine. Oh, and Cleveland will have a new coach and a new QB this year, so, that number will rise to 11 QBs and 9 different head coaches.
  • Bonus stat #3: The last time the Bills faced a head coach who the previous season was a coordinator for the Bills, was Ted Marchibroda in 1992.
  • Bills player stat: CJ Spiller has averaged 5.7 yards a carry against the Browns in three career games.
  • A Favorite Bills/Browns memory: Let’s go to the MNF game in 1995. The Bills won on a last second FG and they actually beat Belichick for the first time!
  • A least favorite Bills/Browns memory: Last year’s Thursday night game sucked. Seeing EJ Manuel go down like he got shot in the leg and Jeff Tuel stinking up the joint may be #53 on the countdown of #becauseitsbuffalo moments.

Sunday, Dec. 7 at Denver Broncos *4:05 p.m.

  • Stat #1: The last time the Bills played Peyton Manning in a meaningful game was in 2006.
  • Stat #2: In 11 games against the Bills, Manning has just 13TDs and 11INTS. The last time the Bills beat Peyton Manning was in 1999. That was the famous game where Rob Johnson stole Doug Flutie’s job before the Titans playoff game.
  • Bills player stats: CJ Spiller’s first 100-yard game came against the Broncos.
  • A Favorite Broncos/Bills memory: Crushing Tim Tebow in 2011. Enough said.
  • A least favorite Broncos/Bills memory: The 2nd to last game of the Tom Donahoe reign. Bills played on a Saturday night at home and lost. I remember watching at McFaddens with my roommate and the highlight was that we both made out with these ugly looking chicks. Also, this was the game where folks were pissed off cause Donahoe was ordering anti-Bills signs to be confiscated at the game.

Sunday, Dec. 14 GREEN BAY PACKERS *1:00 p.m.

  • Stat #1: Aaron Rodgers is only 13-11 against AFC Teams.
  • Stat #2: Green Bay has never beaten Buffalo on the road (5-0).
  • Schwartz stat: Aaron Rodgers owns a 9-1 record against Schwartz and has thrown 19TDs, 5INTs and 2,559 yards.
  • Bills player stat: In his only game against GB, Mike Williams caught 7 balls for 83 yards and a TD.
  • A favorite Packers/Bills memory: The Bills beating the Pack in 2006. They were outgained by like 200 yards, but they scored on a London Fletcher fumble return for a TD and a Lee Evans bomb. Interesting enough, the Bills had a 3-1 record against the Pack/Favre.
  • A least favorite Packers/Bills memory: Trent Edwards last game for the Bills. Actually, that should be a happy memory since his performance was so bad that they cut him the next day. I’ll always remember Trent running out of bounds on the final play of his career here when all he had to do was throw the ball downfield. Ah, Memories…

Sunday, Dec. 21 at Oakland Raiders *4:25 p.m.

  • Stat #1: The Bills haven’t won in Oakland since 1966.
  • Stat #2: The Raiders have more losses since 2003 than the Bills.
  • Bills player stat: Stevie Johnson had 8 catches for 96 yards and a TD in his only game against Oakland.
  • A favorite Bills/Raiders moment: The 1991 game in LA. Bills were down by 10 points with like 4 minutes left, but were able to tie the game and force OT. Norwood, who had missed 2FGs and a PAT earlier, made the gamewinner in OT.
  • A least favorite Bills/Raiders moment: The Super Bowl Bills actually lost a game to a Raiders team quarterbacked by Todd F’N Marinovich. It was an awful game in 1992 where Kelly got killed by Howie Long on like 3 sacks.

Sunday, Dec. 28 at New England Patriots *1:00 p.m.

  • Stat #1: The Bills haven’t won in New England since 2000.
  • Stat #2: The Bills have lost by an average of 13 points on the road against NE since 2001.
  • Bills player stat: In six games against NE, Marcell Dareus has 1.5 sacks and 20 tackles.
  • A favorite Bills/Patriots memory: Go with the 31-0 home opener win in 2003. It was an awesome game where we seriously kicked the crap out of them.
  • A least favorite Bills/Patriots memory: May as well go with the bookend game of that season, when the Bills lost, 31-0. I Remember how Ruben Brown was benched because he didn’t feel like going to practice. Ah, Memories…

*Player Stats provided by Pro-football-Reference

Joe

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