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Ask The Fake GM Mailbag: 2.0

 

 

Dear Diary,

It has been so long since I sat down and touched base. There have been just a few changes since my last entry in 2011. I don’t want to get into all of them, but I am very, very excited about my new toothbrush. I also got a really cool tie for Christmas from my best friend in the whole world Lindy, too! Speaking of Lindy, I kinda/sorta had a purge of the organization. Don’t worry, I am safe. But recently it has looked like the ending of Goodfellas around here.  I’d like to tell you I put two into the back of his head, figuratively of course, and pushed him into a ditch he had just finished digging, but sadly it wasn’t quite so graceful. That would have been so bad ass.

I couldn’t whack my besty over the phone so I decided to drive out to his house:

Me: Lindy, we need to talk.

Lindy: Then talk, boy.

Me: *sobs*

….30 minutes later

Me: *sobbing* *snot bubble*

….30 minutes later

Lindy: I’ll fire myself, asshole.

I also had to purge some of the boys from the team. Everyone, fans and media, were real supportive of all the moves. I traded Jason to Minnesota and Robyn, he’s the one who didn’t know how to spell “REGIER”, to Los Angeles. They didn’t do so outwardly or at any place that I could witness it, but I know fans chanted my name in unison in the same manner as when the organEYEzation announced my extension. I am certain. I am so thankful for all the support from the fans. It’s unwavering.

The media has been overwhelmingly supportive of my extension and of my overall tenure here as well. Jeff Simon of the News gave me 3 of 4 stars, as he is wont to do with everything. Donn Esmonde’s only concern was Jason actually living in Pominville to satisfy the residency requirement to remain Mayor. I can only think of a few media members who have been even slightly critical of me: Sully, Bucky, Harrington, Vogl, Moritz, Hoppe, Davis, Schopp, Parker, White, Simon, the two Sals, that guy we call “kiss of death” Matthew, Buscaglia….that might be it. Despite their slight criticisms, coverage the last two years has been glowing, although I am not sure where Rod Watson stands.

Lastly, my New Year’s resolution remains intact! It’s April and my promise to be less delusional is a rousing success!

It’s been a while since I have answered questions from the Bag. It’s big, blue and about to explode. Here are some I have culled from Twitter over the last few months. If you want to ask a question for future Mailbags, just @ me and use #Mailbag.

@Not_Rip: @FakeDarcy if you didn't want to call it a "Rebuild" yesterday, why didn't you just refer to it as an "ebuild" then?

I noticed alliteration is all the rage these days. I have another “R” word: Revenge. Here are some more “R” words: redundant, recycled, reprintings, rerun, reprobate, rabble-rouser, repugnant, and repulsive. Hashtag: Suck it, Bucky.

@MrHeinz716: @FakeDarcy you have a policy to trade players the second their hair starts thinning? First Reghyr now Pominville…

That is ABSOLUTELY the truth. The myth I wish to dispel is that we have a carpet vs. drapes litmus test. We do not do that.  Hashtag: Finger Guns

@etalbot81: If the Sabres get picks back along with 2 players, @FakeDarcy is due for another extension.

I am the FDR of GM’s. Hashtag: ‘til death do us part.

@yungandhung7: If @FakeDarcy pulled off Hackett, Larson, a 1st and 2nd for Pommers… Extend him for life.

I am heading towards Kim Jong territory now. May I call you as a witness in my eventual and inevitable wrongful termination lawsuit against Terry, Ted, the City of Buffalo, the State of New York, and Obama?

@Tyler__C: Love him or hate him Darcy is a trade deadline wizard. #Sabres

"You Love me, you really, really Love me!” – Gidget

@pauliemurr: @FakeDarcy You're a Goat Head….most of your decisions are baaaaad.

Be sure to tip your waiter. Hashtag: SMH

@Cassandra_Carr: @FakeDarcy You trade Pommer, you are dead to me.

I included this so I have witnesses just in case I am found floating face down in the Black Rock Canal. You might be the only Sabres fan on the planet unhappy with that trade (Hashtag: Miller. Hashtag: Vanek, Hashtag: New Years Resolution obliterated). I do believe I was promised a gruesome death in an upcoming novel and I will hold you to that promise. I’d prefer one that resembles the scene in Basic Instinct. Now THAT’s the way to go! Hashtag: Humina

@RobRaysFist: Do they have anything for grammar or shrinking a huge cranium?

If you want to shrink your head, get into a conversation with Barnaby. Hashtag: Muppet

@PieterszDeVries: @FakeDarcy is Doug Mckenney one of the Mandelbaums?

Oh, do you think you’re better than him!?! Hashtag: It's go time!

@edwinsagain: @FakeDarcy what happened to Cellino and Barnes? Called 854-2020. That jingle will never leave my head. Never remember the new number now..

I can’t remember either. Hashtag: 8

@topshelfcookies Jo-chen! Jo-chen! Jo-chen! Jo-chen! Jo-chen! Jo-chen! Jo-chen! Jo-chen! Jo-chen! Jo-chen! Jo-chen! Jo-chen! Jo-chen! Jo-chen! Jo-chen!

I think we worked on how you are supposed to pose questions. First thing, finish with a question mark. But I really like the rest of that Tweet. Hashtag: Jo-chen

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